Bee whY Ee

So we're here, 28th of Dec 2009.
Close to the end of the year, and somehow my fingers were tickled to click Blogger.

About 2009, well what can I say?

I can't say that it's the best year in my life, not the worst either. It's just... fine. Wonderful in its own way. The pain and the joy, the euphoria, the tears, they all collide perfectly, make a nice memory in my head. Sealed another nice year added to my 15 years.

And I am grateful. I totally am.

So, in 2009... I face hospital for the first time.
Okay. Wrong. I've faced it obliviously when I was a baby. However, this one is my first, what should I call it, stay? in hospital. conscious.
I spent 4 days at the hospital, blood test every single day *made my right arm all numb*, all that. And until now, I don't even know what the disease was specifically. I even passed my 16th birthday there. What a nice way to celebrate huh?

Well, I did celebrate. twice. First, at the hospital when 2 of my PDA buds brought a cake and all those stuff. And I still remember the coach said "Chel, yang nunjukin lo sakit cuma infus doang tau." Geez.

Then, right when I came home from the hospital, ready to whine and mourn over my pile of school assignments and tests to catch up. I found all of my bestfriends in front of my house. And that was the celebration, second part. Cakes, presents, all those stuff again. Then, we sang together noisily, I was surprised the neighbors didn't complain.

every clouds has a silver lining.
See? I was sick, and I shouldn't be able to celebrate ANYTHING. but I didn't lose any celebration, I got it anyway. twice.

Next, in 2009, I knew debate
Okay, I knew debate in the late 2008 actually, but I actually DEBATE in competitions in 2009. Four competitions, and the highest position me and my team got was the 4th. KompEk UI as semifinalist fourth position, and WJSDC, fourth on the standing.
No trophy, no prizes, just certificates, YET. True. But I got a new life, God bless the day I joined Phyxius English Debating Association. I learned so much, I had fun, I earned a huge number of friends, and at least I got some certificates huh? Getting those kind of achievement is always good. See? Grateful.

In 2009, I attended XI Grade IPA Class.
I wasn't that obsessive about IPA then, I'm not that kind of student who worships IPA Class so much now. But during X Grade I did work my ass out to get some serious number of scores, not too magnificent but I at least enough to give me the freedom to choose between these two classes. Thank God I got it. And I chose IPA. I totally understand where I was getting myself into. The urgency of those additional classes afterschool for the science subjects and stuff. But then, again I'm grateful. Here, I learn to be a student. I start to feel my obligation to study, and it came from myself. I realized that, before, that usually come from other people, my parents especially. I also feel motivated seeing my all so devoted friends. And now, I'm used to those study session together at Paskal Hyper Square's foodcourt, Biology tutoring afterschool in the canteen. Thanks to them who made it easier. Grateful.

In 2009, I started to learn one more language.
As XI Grade started, I also attended a class at CCF Bandung. I learned French. This thing I've wanted to do since, I don't know when. And true, I'm just a beginner, I can hardly speak this language, let alone masterize it. And true, this language is so damn hard. But with some years of learning, I will surely get a grip on that, right? And again, I'm grateful, here besides the language learning, I also met so many new friends. New various. Fellow highschool-ers, college kids, even professionals. True, we only meet twice a week, but we're stuck learning this hard language together, right? haha

In 2009... err, okay
I'm also grateful here. I still remember my prayer at the end of last year. I wished for someone that I can relate to, someone close and *hopefully* can understand me.
And guess what?
This year I had my first... what? crush? love? whatever word that can describe you, mister.
I'm happy and of course GRATEFUL, having you around. Not that we're something special, I know we're just... regular. Not that I'm still hoping to change that situation too, I'm done waiting. I've waited this whole year, and that's enough. But I can't get enough of you, not now, when you're a part of my day already. So I'm not planning to take off, disappear, turn my back on you or anything. I'm happy that I have you, and I hope that I will still have you in 2010. As anything that God wants you to be for me. I said that I'm done waiting, but I'm still open for some kind of miracles, at the same time. *a little embarrassing confession there* Hmm?

There, that was my 2009.
God has made my days in His way this year. And I love every single one of it.
I wished for things, He gave it, he didn't. That's not the point. The point is, He still gave it His way. He keeps our past, He watches our present and He sees our future, so who knows better? Not us.
Whine a little, upset a little. We are human. Unwanted situations SHOULD bother us. But get over it as fast as you can, live your life, make the most of it, make it good to live. In the end, you can see the beauty of those flaws, how perfect your imperfect life is.
And now I sound like a preacher. Of course I did some unnecessary whining too, but believe me I try to practice what I preach, enjoying life is more fun than crying over things that doesn't exist obviously. So let's just learn together, we're beginner here. :)

It's midnight, I'll have to end this. And also want to say that this will be my last post here at blogger.com
Why? Because of my lack of desire to write, unlike before. So, to avoid adding cyber pollution by keep writing unnecessary crap *you see sometimes I dump all my nonsense here* I think it's best for me to close this blog. Not for good, of course, duh. But I'll survive with just twitter as a miniblog for now. I don't know when I'll start blogging again, but even if I've found the right time, I won't be writing here anymore. Planning on tumblr though. haha.

Over and out, guys. seriously!
see ya around ... :)

if only

spoiler alert: Miiko, Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, P.S I Love You... peace out! ^^

Kalo kalian cewe, dan suka baca komik, atau novel
atau nonton TV series, atau film... whatever it is.
Pernah ngga sih ngerasa sangat sangaaaattt terpesona sama sebuah karakter (cowo, tentu saja) dan kalian jadi ngayal ttg karakter ini.

dan karakter ini bikin perut jumpalitan?

haha. I'm experiencing that. Jumpalitan sama karakter2 fiksi. Mungkin terlihat ga penting ya gw, ngurusin bahkan nulis tentang karakter yang ngga eksis.
whatever... I'm just so impressed with these boys!

give it up for the first boy of the list!

1. Eguchi Tappei
stupid huh?

*Tappei, the ignorant yet caring boy, wow, contradictive*

yap, yap. Tappei di Miiko, that manga. Pertamanya gw penasaran sama ini komik gara2 semua orang ngomong lucu dan rame. DAN sweet, romantis. gw pikir ga mungkin aje, komik udah jelas2 bentuk tokohnya absurd semua gitu, adalah yang tinggi, adalah yang pendek, bulet, buntet. Diameter mulut gedenya luar biasa lebai, gimana bisa sweet?

dan ternyata...


AKU SALAH.


Tappei does have the charm.
Oke, jadi spoiler dikit yaaa... basic hubungan Tappei dan Miiko itu temenan, sahabatan. Tapi tipe sahabat yang selau ribut. Dan begonya, mereka berdua sebenernya tau mereka saling suka, tapi ya itu dia. Gengsi merajalela teruuusss aja ejek2an. Agak lebai memang ceritanya, mengingat setting umur mereka tuh kelas 5 SD. Gapapalah yaaa. Fiksi itu ada untuk menjadi non-sense, give us a break from this irritatingly boring reality, haha.
Nah, nah... Tappei ini orangnya cuek, jail, tengil, nyebelin... semua adjektif yang bisa menggambarkan sosok jerk. Tapi yang hebat, di balik cueknya ini dy bisa menunjukkan care-nya dia. Terutama ke Miiko.

Momen yang bikin perut jumpalitan:
Satu cerita saat Tappei meng-cover Miiko atas vas bunga kelas yang pecah. Tappei tau Miiko yang mecahin vas bunga kelas mereka , dan besoknya saat vas pecah itu keliatan sama guru, dia malah ngaku dia yang mecahin. Tappei dimarahin sama Pak Guru, tapi dasar tengil, dy cuek2 aja. Miiko ngga enak, jadi nangis sendiri. Trus Tappei yang duduknya di belakang Miiko, sambil jalan ke tempat duduk, nepuk punggung Miiko yang lagi nangis sambil senyum2 tengil.
Udah. gitu doank. how cute.

*the oh-so-cute relationship. Tappei-Miiko!*

2. Jacob Black

Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) in New Moon...

yeah, yeah! Who doesn't love him?
Pesonanya cocky, arogan, stubborn. Ngga kalah menyebalkan. Tapi apa yang bikin Jacob Black jadi karakter yang asik?
Di Twilight saga (yang baru gw baca sampe Eclipse) karakter Jacob itu keras kepala. BANGET. dia tau Bella udah ngga bisa dilepas dari Edward, tapi dia tetep berusaha buat menunjukkan kalau dia juga layak jadi pilihan buat Bella. Yet, dia tetep ngga cross the line. Dia bersaing dengan sehat, dan saat dia bener2 udah sadar kalau dia ngga punya harapan, dia rela hanya jadi 'pelampiasan' Bella. Dan somehow, Stephenie Meyer berhasil membuat karakter Jacob melakukan itu semua, tanpa meninggalkan sifat arogan, childish dan obnoxious nya. Itu yang membuat Jacob masih terlihat normal, ngga terlalu sempurna, punya titik menyebalkan.
Selain itu, dengan Taylor Lautner yang super ganteng itu maenin peran Jacob, sangat membantu buat saya semakin jatuh cinta!

Momen yang bikin perut jumpalitan:
Ending Eclipse, dialog antara Bella dan Jacob
Jacob: He's (Edward) like a drug to you, Bella. I see that you can't live without him now. It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you, not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun"
Bella: I used to think of you that way you know. Like the sun. My personal sun, you balanced out the clouds nicely for me.
Jacob: *sighed* The clouds I can handle, but I can't fight with an eclipse.

*the impossible affair Jacob-Bella*

bukan cuma perut yang jumpalitan. Kelenjar air mata juga. shoot, that selfish, obnoxious boy is sweet, and in pain, AND HANDSOME! Haha, okay yang ganteng bukan Jacob Black, it's Taylor Lautner, but still!!

3. Gerry Kennedy

*Gerry in action, P.S I Love You*

I watched P.S I Love You long ago. Ini bukan tipe film yang bakal gw nikmatin kalo ditonton berulang2, dramanya intens. Tapi sekali nonton, sekali nangis sesenggukan cukup buat bikin gw jatuh cinta sama karakter suami di sini. Dimainin dengan sangat oke sama Gerard Butler.
Jadi basically pasangan di film ini ngga bisa dibilang lovey-dovey couple juga. Mereka namanya Holly dan Gerry, sering banget berantem, mostly about financial issues. Tapi berantem mereka memang ngga akan tahan lama. Intinya meskipun ngga manis2 amat, mereka tuh saling membutuhkan. Dan suatu kali, Gerry tiba-tiba meninggal, karena kanker otak yang ternyata dia rahasiain dari Holly. Tapi sebelum meninggal, ternyata Gerry udah ngatur surat2, hadiah, kue, tiket liburan ke tempat mereka pertama ketemu, apapun yang akan dikirim ke Holly secara berkala, sesuai momen setelah dia meninggal. Bahkan rekaman suara "Happy Birthday" untuk ulang tahun Holly. Dia ngga mau ninggalin isterinya secara tiba-tiba dan tanpa pegangan, dia pengen pergi pelan2.

What I like about this character? Again, ngga terlalu sweet, romantis. Malah sedikit childish dan reckless bisa dibilang, tapi dia sangat cocok untuk Holly yang serius dan keras. He's loosen her a little. Dan tentu saja, ide dia tentang surat2 itu yaaahhhh... ampun. kalo ada yang bilang itu ngga touching, you're a truly heartless person! Dia juga ngga bermaksud mengikat Holly terus sama dia *yang sudah meninggal, tentu saja* karena surat terakhir akhirnya dateng juga. Dia cuma ngga mau istrinya larut terus mewek2 tanpa ada pegangan. akhirnya, saat dia percaya istrinya siap, dia hilang, for good.

Momen yang bikin perut jumpalitan:
Surat yang terakhir. Dibaca sama Holly di puncak bukit, tempat dia dan Gerry pertama ketemu di Irlandia. Saat itu Gerry muncul, tapi tanpa bisa diliat Holly *tentu saja*, let's say as a ghost lah yaa... dan dia berdiri disamping Holly. Seakan2 dia yang bacain surat itu untuk isterinya, di sebelahnya, langsung. Dan di akhir surat, dia ngomong "P.S... I Love You." sambil nyandarin kepalanya ke bahu isterinya, lovingly *again, Hollynya ngga ngerasa tentu saja, tapi ekspresinya merasakan kehadiran suaminya, gitu, ngerti ngga?*

the lovely married couple Gerry-Holly

Air mata banjir abis.

Those are my all-time favorites. Emang sih jenis yang saia suka yaa, yang cuek2, nyebelin tapi manis gituh. That's why, for the Twilight case, saia ga suka Edward
Edward terlalu manis, lovey-dovey, agak lebai.
Mungkin karena dia udah hampir 200 taun ya.. haha

Alright, mereka semua terdengar sangat sempurna, memang. Andai aja cowo2 kaya mereka beneran ada di dunia.
WOW.
But then, the real world is not suposed to be perfect, that's why those perfect boys stay in fictional world. So I guess, we should be satisfied admiring them through those fictions. haha. Imagining is more fun!

the end

am remembering
from the first stories till the very last smile
that cold little smile

it was just a smile, but it was more than enough to make me realize
that it's over, that's the end of us
and the end is not so cool
but it is better than being hung by thread, with nothing certain
and no guarantee that someday that situation will change
this time it's bold

so I guess it's all over, huh?
and this time, for good
so maybe I better get used to it



am I still allowed to miss you?

kembali melan geje

hmm, firstly, biggest apology
karena post ini akan menjadi ajang curhat saya
terimakasih


let's get this over with then.


udah nahan-nahan, jangan jadiin blogger tempat sampah perasaan. ternyata, emang paling asik dump all the garbage here yooo.

so, so, so
ever feel insecure about your feeling?
like, you are afraid to be hurt by that certain person (u know what I mean), meanwhile you're afraid too about what other people may think about your feelings.
the case here is, afraid to be judged 'stupid'. 'hypocrite'. 'naive'. even if *maybe* in fact, you are.

dan pernah juga ga sih *and yes, ini posting bilingual. marah2 paling enak kalo gado2*
ngerasa kaya sesuatu itu ga adil?
like you don't deserve what you get, and here I mean, you deserve better.
to be specified, you deserve to be TREATED better.

dan pernah juga ga sih, ngerasa terlalu banyak yang harus dipikirkan. semua jenis msalah datangnya bareng2, keroyokan.
KALO BERANI SATU2 DONG!
dan kalo udah kaya gtu, jatoh2nya apa? jadi sensi, pengen marah2, gloomy sepanjang hari. bikin polusi sosial juga buat orang di sekeliling lo.

and to make it even worse, lo dikasih beban sesuatu. yang lo gatau lagi gimana cara mikulnya.

kesel ga sih?

dunia kaya gitu sekarang lagi naksir sama gw. deket2 mulu.
jujur, pasti gamau kan jadi seseorang yang whiny. ngeluh ini itu. tapi kadang, perasaannya terlalu overwhelming. and you just need something, somewhere, someone, to dump that shit, to maintain your emotion. supaya ga nambah2 polusi sosial di lingkungan.
bahkan tanpa polusi sosial dari lo, lingkungan sosial udah ga sehat.

mungkin terasa familiar? hmm, hope so. semoga bisa pada relate ke tulisan ini. *kalo ngga ya, maapkan*
karena dunia suckish di atas lagi ga terla3u jauh dari gw.
dan semoga ngga deket2 amat juga.

so there, hate this post, love this post, or just ignore it.
and believe me, I'll take quite some time to be brave enough to click the 'PUBLISH' icon.

hahaha...


and surprise?
belom beres ciinnn


ckakakaka


mau ngomong apa lagi ya??
hmm, oia! kalo ada line lagu yang lagi pengen banget gw kasih ke seseorang
that line would be:

"Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you
been here all along, why can't you see?"

yes, taylor swift-you belong with me. ABG abis.
dan gw emang sengaja ga nyertain bagian 'you belong with me' nya.
karena ngga yakin, si manusia itu emang 'belongs with me'... dan kayanya sih ngga.
saat seseorang belongs with you, dia akan terlihat sangat unik. berbeda. one in a million.
tapi sekarang, dia ngga terlihat seperti si 'one' itu. dia terlihat sooo 'million'. kaya orang2 lain.

malesin. hahaha.

faktor bosen? mungkin.
satu yang gw tahu. momen kaya gini bikin kita jadi munafik.

udah ketauan berengseknya. udah ketauan belangnya.
kita akan terlihat bodoh kalo masih mengharapkan? ya ngga?
seseorang yang menggunakan logika, mostly, will say 'yes'
tapi kenyataannya?

I'm so over it... NOT.
hahahaha.
padahal kalo ada yang nanya
"gimana chel si ituuu?? masihhh??"
gw: "yah ampun , kemana ajah? udah kelaut."


GET REAL.


ya ampunnn.


kembalikan logika saya.
dan emosi sehat saya.

BUTUH. SANGAT.

erh, me out, I guess.
sorry for dumping my feelings here..
feel better, me. you? feel worse? sick? wanna puke?
go on. no offense taken. ckakakaka
'

pipi saia bisa copot

karena beberapa hari ini saia kebanyakan senyum

komentar semua orang: "Chel, lo lagi seneng ya?"

the answer is... "YEAAA, PEOPLE, hallooo, can I make it anymore obvious?"

HAHAHA
tu kan, keluar lagi. ketawa tiba2, ga jelas
kenceng, mending kalo merdu.

well, well.. euphoria here, obviously
thanks to you... :p and I don't believe you know who you are

but seriously, I'm addicted to your chocolate high... ^^

senyum2 lagi ahhh...

karena Juni akhirnya datang

oke, bulan paling gw tunggu (atau tidak) di tahun ini. Kenapa?
well, karena begitu menyentuh Juni, ga ada kepastian apakah DIA akan tetap ada...
seperti ini..
seperti sekarang...
dan gw takut, takut gw udah terbiasa...

soalnya yang ngenalin gw sama comfort zone ini.

But let us see this problem without being such a melancholic freak.

Oke, oke... Senin udah Final Test, dan gw pengen bisa menahan diri gw untuk ga OL (at least pake kompie, hape? ga janji)
makanya meskipun belum resmi nyentuh Juni, gw mending mulai nyinggung ini skrg.
Karena, siapa yang tahu? mungkin Juni udah tanpa DIA?

soo, gw mau menutup dengan 2 judul lagu
berikut sepenggal liriknya...
2 lagu yang sukses bikin gw kepikiran selama masa-masa pra-Juni ini...

Maybe we're friends, maybe we're more
maybe it's just my imagination
...
maybe I just gotta get next to you
Jordin Sparks-Next to You

Drew talks to me
I fake a smile so he won't see
....
Drew walks by me
Can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly
the kind of flawless I wish I could be
Taylor Swift - Teardrops on my Guitar


dan kenapa gw merasa harus menulis 2 lirik ini?
well,
simply... karena gw harus merasa 'sedikit' plong
saat sadar bahwa Juni mungkin tak ada lagi DIA

my turn...

I used to see a slightly sweet text message as something that waste my phone memory...
But, now I know
just a single text message can give you a major amount of euphoria
just a single text message can make you cry like a baby
just a single text message can get you up on your feet and dance around immediately
just a single text message can urge you to jump around without feeling silly

I used to see some certain trivial things as stupid and unnecessary
But, yes now I know
some things are not so stupid
some things are not so trivia
some things are not so useless, it's necessary indeed...

I used to let those ballad love songs pass by just like the wind
Now I know,
Those songs has the power, to relate to you, bring back those memories to you
they can finally consume you, through your veins, meet your heart
left you feeling so emotional,
force you to drop a tear, just to hold your mouth from screaming

I used to be so rational, always think that I will never let a person drives me crazy
Now, I know
I don't have the power to guarantee,
I can only let the emotions take me
I'm not that strong, and some 'certain person' can definitely drive this fragile strength of me

So I guess it's my turn now..
To 'waste' my tears on something I've never expected before
To be 'stupid' and 'silly'
To be so emotional rather that rational
To be that 'melancholic freak' that listens to a song over and over with the eyes looking away..
wondering what will happen

Laughing at me for being a dramaqueen, huh?
just wait, maybe the next is your turn...